When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?