[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
🤣
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
you will never know the true number of layers