“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!