“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
A man of commitment.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?