HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
can you read it!!??
maan!
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!