My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!