Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
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Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.