“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I can’t stop laughing at this
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here