PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Time heals everything 🙂
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*