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Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?