*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
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Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window