It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I ate everything, including the H.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*