Effort made
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?