i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
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Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you