ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
how do y’all walk in shallow water
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
good for her
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.