Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I feel it
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.