If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.