Cow it started Cow it’s going
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.