Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
somebody come look at this
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?