M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.