When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself