Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
favorite tropes as memes
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’d hang this in my house.