We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.