Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
all bases covered
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”