Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
kids play hide and seek like
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.