I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
âKids grow up so fastâyeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I have never seen a single âwhen animals attackâ video that I wasnât rooting for the animal.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, weâre out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
me: I think you’ll find my resumĂŠ impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: You are not going to believe thisâŚ
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Worst bar ever.
đ
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter âlight as a feather, stiff as a boardâ while I do it.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Simply Redâs piano player just couldnât be arsed
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly âget out of jail freeâ card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Clients after you give them your rates
My wife and I hadnât cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.