I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Put this video in the Louvre
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.