If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want