Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?