HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
You Might Also Like
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…