“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴