I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
What number SPF blocks people?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.