me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance