What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.