“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]