Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.