I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.