Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.