Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”