5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
You Might Also Like
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me when I see my crush
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!