A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
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{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.