did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
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MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?