saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Somewhere in an alternate universe
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
TWEET CALL
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda