I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.