In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he