[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I laughed at this way too hard.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
knights of the ikea table
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.