The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
wish me luck lads
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.