One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Meow
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”