Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
NASA has no chill
i was baptized in a car wash
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”