Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.